There's Holland, the Netherlands and the Dutch, how does that all fit together?To investigate, last Friday night, I attended the Baltimore County incarnation of the Pennsylvania Dutch Market, the experience left me with no clues to solve the puzzle, however the overall experience was life changing.
In an effort to educate those unfamiliar, I would like to impart a number of suggestions, should you think of dropping in. Don't say I didn't inform you.
Suggestion 1:
Avoid the furniture. Not that it's shabby, it all looks solid and imposing but don't get distracted, it's not the 20 lb magazine rack or the purple Adirondack chair that you are there for, it's the unending series of kiosks featuring delectable treats. Stay Focused.
Suggestion 2:
Don't skip the peanut stand. One step into the building and the fragrance of hot roasted peanuts is everywhere, it's entrapment. Now if you think you are going to pass over the peanuts all together, think again, your stopping in on the way out, guaranteed.
Suggestion 3:
Focus on the beards. Hair doesn't grow like that. Think of the grooming ritual. Think of the time commitment. Marvel at the shaggy precision. The haircuts might be easy, any bowl could do, but the beards, that's style.
Suggestion 4:
Consider how your life may have changed if you had married an Amish girl. They have a alluring balance of "at your beacon call" sweetness and a razor sharp edge that does not allow for any opportunity to interject a suggestion as to how to choose your drumstick. I left feeling simultaneously amused, aroused and afraid for my life.
Suggestion 5:
If this is your second visit, it is exactly the same as your first, there is nothing more to see and there never will be, and yet, all you ever want to do is return. It's as if they pump an addictive scent through the HVAC system that sticks to your clothing only to re-emerge the following Friday when the market reopens, and you say to yourself, let's go back, I wonder what's new? Don't fight it.
Suggestion 6:
I fear this isn't Dutch at all, but a German enclave using the Dutch name to disarm any obvious grievance, a brilliant play of words. Amish? Can't be sure of that either, no one will say, research required.
So here's to the Dutch, the Hollandaise, the Amish, the Pennsylvania Protestants or the German Interlopers; whatever subculture I have stumbled upon. I love it. More bourbon bites please.
